I sat and thought for awhile about what this journal-esk entry would be about and I came landed my plane here. We live in an era where the level to easy access to just about anything is available and so we are no longer phased by so many ways of old. I thought about this as I continue to navigate the so called dating social and friendship scene in 2019 post divorce, in my mid 30s and as a co parenting mother of one daughter. Oh and let me add in that I have always dated Nigerian men. Not Nigerian American born and raised like myself but Nigerian born Men. Why is that? Ive recently been racking my brain with this question. I mean I legitimately had no real reason or excuse as to why I hadn't at this age dated at least one guy that was what deemed similar to me in how and where we were raised. I thought to myself, is it a subconscious fear of losing my culture thru lineage which has lead me to not have tried to date around more diversely? I mean its just dating and friendship, its not like I would marry them on the 1st date (Even though, I did eventually marry a Nigerian born African man, lol) Wow and here I am at almost 36 years old by this August 2019.
The reason I titled this entry I LOVE YOU BUT I can't do this is because Ive realised so many things about my dating patterns and my relationships and friendships with men and women. I had no choice but to look at myself in the mirror for the millionth time and really ask myself again what do I want out of this precious life time Ive been given? I realised I LOVE YOU but I need to love myself in totality. I LOVE YOU but I need to use this beautiful window I'm in to travel explore and do the things I couldn't and didn't do while I was married. I LOVE YOU but I've been allowing you to dry up funds I've methodically and industriously put away to invest down the line. I LOVE YOU but Ive got businesses to run. I LOVE YOU but I love spending quality girl time with my daughter and my niece. I LOVE YOU but my elastic limit has run out on your frenemy ways and underlying competitiveness. I LOVE YOU but I can't be anyone's 2nd wife. NOT NOW as this Queen Being! I LOVE YOU but I love being able to be selfish in ways I've not been able to be selfish before. I LOVE YOU but I can't deal with your neediness any longer. I work very hard to get to where I am today with God's grace and Power. I LOVE YOU but the people around you are giving Me a preview of who you are. I LOVE YOU but you consume a lot of my energy and life force. And sure I can't blame you. I hold myself accountable for everything Ive experienced in my life. However, I LOVE YOU BUT I can't do this!